its ok. people always let people down. its just. i thought you were much much better than that. 

brother of mine, its not always a game. 

sigh, sometimes i just wanna give everyone a hug and tell them that things will definitely get better.

 but first, you got to believe that it will.

that feeling is coming back. :/  and this entry is as disorganised as my brain.

frankly

i do want to see you. but i just think i cant.
i cant stand being so close but knowing that everything is different now.

ah, and thn today i was thinking.. if i'm the only one who doesn't drink to drown my sorrows.
i mean like... does it really help you feel better? how about the next day when you wake up.. isn't the sadness still there?

oh, i sent my camera to the camera hospital. 100 bucks to get it fixed and cleaned. not cheap but i am very sentimental. so i'm gonna pay.

:(

i think my konica c35 is broken. 

i will be extremely sad if its really not working anymore cause i love it so much. :( 

the guy at the repair shop is going to tell me to just buy a new one cause it would cost lesser  ( i know he will.) but joy has been with me for such a long time and its done me proud. noooooooooooooo. 

just.. hope that it will miraculously fix itself. just like the previous time. come on you can do it.

better

Today saw me shopping and eating. and travelling.

was doing a video of last night's happiness so we can all soak in it and thn i just realised i got to work tmr and its 2 am now. i hope i can wake on time tmr.

Its like the break up season. and also the .... wedding season. i think its quite scary. cause like.. idk to be happy or sad. but ah well.. i'm pulling through. proud of myself. xinyi xinyi.. you've done well.

Tonight, we are young.

Tonight made it effortlessly into the list of my best nights.

It was just us, candles, sparklers, lanterns, music, mooncake, tea, moon, salad and the night.
Feeling like this is kinda strange. like i havent felt this.. happy for a long while. and it doesnt matter if its not mid autumn yet, cause we dont care. yeh, i felt like we really could burn brighter thn the sun.

One day when i grow old i will think about tonight and i think i will still smile.

things.

Recently I realised how lucky i am; to be blessed with the best people who i know i can count on to get me through tough times. I haven't been that available to them as a friend before, but they were always there. Thank you vic, gwen, syl, fan, bing, charis and my dearest kianru. I hope you all know that i'm really thankful for your presence in my life.

I've been.. keeping myself busy. but not busy enough. which is why i got myself a job. its not even design related but i dont care, i just need a job.

I'm constantly bloated. like i dont even feel like eating anything but i got to eat so that my weight won't fall below 40 and i wont freak my parents out.

I think about you, mostly. about what you're doing and if you're alright. but i try not to think about that too much. cause.. whats the point? right? I thought about writing you something. like one last something. but i decided not to cause .. again, whats the point?

I want to get myself a dog. and i will. I will get a dog if i am not going to London. and my dog will be my best friend. it will be a happy dog. cause i will shower it with love. we will be happy.

I still really hate my hair. :(

I am glad my photos from my film cam turned out so .. unexpected and satisfying to look at.

work is going to be bearable tmr. and i will be busy and i will sit by the water at night and eat a pomelo and play with sparkles and forget everything for awhile.

i know i've been blogging alot lately. and its all sad stuff. but i need to write to feel better.

almost 1 week.

Favourite photo

Nobody will get to see it. cause i want it to be for myself only. its the most beautiful photo i've taken.

on another note, pleasepleasepleaseplease let me go London. :(
New place, New people.. it will be good for me.

things that can hurt me.

Myself. My ability to always find something that would make me feel pain.
today i found these. 1 and a half yrs ago... it made me happy and sad. but i had no more tears. only pain.

Day2

Today i attended my cousin's wedding. and all i can think of is that.. we could have.. i've pictured it in my head so many times.

tonight i just want to cry till i cant cry anymore.

why does it seem like i everywhere i go and everything i do and every little something that someone says has got something that reminds me of you. and every sad love song, so relatable. like its impossible to escape from this.

But i have to stop torturing you with my insecurities. and i have to find myself.

thought catalog

"People won’t tell you that love is about establishing a rhythm with someone. It feels like a choreographed dance. You have to take the right steps. Otherwise, you’re going to fall flat on your face.

People won’t tell you that love can feel too intense. Like it’s going to break your body in half and cause your heart to bleed out. These moments, while amazing, can leave you scared. They can leave you shaken and feeling extra cautious. Do you want to love someone so much? Is it good for you? Should you retreat?

People won’t tell you how close love exists to hate. They’re kissing cousins. They’re next door neighbors. They’re one eye roll, one undercooked dish, one mess away from each other. Keep the hate at bay and make sure it doesn’t crawl in your bed at night. It has a habit of doing that. It has a habit of not giving you a choice.

People won’t tell you love that can turn you into someone you don’t want to be. An asshole. Needy. Insecure. It takes a flashlight to your wounds and rips at them. Better cover up real good because when it’s over, everything will be out in the open. Every flaw, every mistake, every moment of anger. It’ll all be there.

People won’t tell you that love can be a bastard. It can smack you across the face. It can leave you for dead. You’ll deny that it’s hurting you. You’ll cover up the bruises because you don’t want it to ever be taken away from you.

People won’t tell you that you actually need love. Sure, you can survive without it. You can drown yourself in self-love. You can take cooking classes, distract yourself from the absence of another person’s touch, try knitting, masturbate excessively. But it won’t cure it."

today

today i had a quarter bowl of laksa and a slice of cake. and water.
and friends. and i feel like a bad person cause sometimes i get too emotional and i say things without thinking and i'm sorry fan, if you're reading this. i feel really bad about my attitude.

oh and i managed to sleep last night. and hopefully tonight. and.. i'm ready to listen.
and i hope you're well and happy and yeh. i hope you'll always remember me.

#ICDT

bit by bit, it the pain will go away.
and even if you cant find someone you love as much as you love him, its ok.
you can still be happy. you can think about good times and smile.
and you can know that you will nvr have to hate yourself for the way you behave when you're with him. you can love yourself more. right? yes.

okay gotta carry on.

pretty face, pretty voice. i dont listen to chinese songs that much now but i just came across this today and i think its pretty good.

things i need.

courage. lots and lots of courage.

Back from BKK.

great 5 days. could've been better if i had better shopping company.

WIP:

ok.. gotta job hunt now.
but before that, one beautiful song to share w you all.

if i keep myself busy, i wont feel a thing.

its just weird.

you see this person from your secondary school on facebook and you look at her photos and her status updates and like.. you never expect that person to be how he/she is now. you always thought "she is so pretty, i want to be like her." but now, you don't want to be like her that much.

and that person nobody wants to befriend in the past.. is doing a hell lot better than everyone else.
lesson learnt over the past week: everything is unpredictable. all that matters is now.

oh i've finally made a trip to salted caramel with the grumpy old man.

and went back to the delicious cafe for their yummy food.

ya. all about food. no wonder my #projectflatbelly forever fail.