some time ago...

Today i watched moonrise kingdom which is a really cute young love story. and i also watched seeking a friend for the end of the world. This one got me thinking alot. i need to make a list of things to pack and things to do before the world ends. right now, these are all that is on my list:

1. Skinny dipping

2. Go to a place that snows and make snow angels

3. Road trip in a caravan

4. Make a end-of-world playlist with all my favourite songs

omg............ thinking about it makes me v nervous. like.. what if i dont have enough time to complete all my to-dos. or what if i dont even know when its ending so i dont even get to complete any of the above. ahhhh. 

and erm, i feel like cutting my hair a little bit shorter. just a little bit. 

Lactose

i almost thought i was gonna die last night. i guess its the amount of ice CREAM i took yesterday. diarrhoea and puke session at 4am. like exactly 4am. grossed out by myself and my useless body.

ok going to go play water with my bing bing and fan fan. (:

lack of sleep.

ya. i  havent been getting enough rest lately. woke at 6 am yesterday for yoga and 6 am again today for trekking. we walked and jogged about 11km at macritchie. *pats back* but i went to eat ice cream at salted caramel after that. and i went home to try to catch some sleep but the weather was insanely warm. so i ended up with just my undergarments but it was still really warm. turned out, i forgot to open my window. so after i gave up sleeping, it started to rain. guess the weather just wanna go against me. met the guys for dinner and got to see their botak head. and thn i had ice cream at udders. this is how i spend my days; eating, worrying, exercising.

Work this body.

i remember saying "yoga therapy" in my previous entry. 

but yoga wasn't exactly therapeutic today. cause the hot room was too hot and i felt like my head was gonna explode. bad choice to sit under that heater; i came out of the room looking like a tomato. but ok. i still like yoga. thank you kianru. for being the best a friend can ever be. i'm so blessed.

trekking with the girls tmr. (: i damn healthy lifestyle now. and i've got so many overdue pics to filter and upload. gahhh. especially the batam pics. and i need to catch a movie soon. i haven't caught a single movie in the theatres since...... ya. since then. 

27th

Was clearing my mac's trash.. and i found a kiwi.

 

that is not important. but the kiwi looks good. so, here.. this is the kiwi that i forced myself to eat 2 months ago. not a fan of kiwis. i dont even know why i'm writing about this. so... anyway....

I finally paid my first visit to the animal's shelter today. as much as i'm glad to see the cuties, my heart is slightly heavy to hear about how heartless people can be to these animals. sigh pie.

other than that, i'd just like to see my parents happy. yoga therapy tmr.

Eat Pray Love

i'm in love with yoga.
and libing is rushing me to get out of my house now. so thats it to this post-.-
bad time to write.

------------follow up---------------


i feel like crying now. cause i dont understand how people can be so... horrid to the people who used to love them so dearly. why why why? don't you feel a thing? why can't everyone just be nice to each other. be sincere, be honest, be good. as i type this, i'm reminded of something row said. Row is like the devil in my head, telling me that things will never be as perfect as i imagined them to be. like.. this world is shit. this world is full of shit people who gives you shit and if you're nice to these shit people, they'll be like " wow, she loves shit. let me give her more shit." so.. does that mean everyone has to stop being nice to these shit people? supposedly yes. cause thn they will know that they can't keep feeding you with their shit. but that will make you one of the shit people and that is why we're all more or less shit people right now. that made sense right? its upsetting me alot. cause i feel like nobody is good anymore. not even me. cause i secretly want these shit people to get a taste of their own shit. and now its not even a secret anymore.

let me just.. do yoga, go pray at temples, walk dogs, swim, do things that i like to do and try not to expect anything from any human being. but i know thats not going to happen. cause i am jobless and being happy isn't that easy.

anyway, its been.. approximately 1 month and 1 week? and i'd just like to quote taylor:
"remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself its time now gotta let go."
but the next line doesn't apply. cause.. i'm wide awake. -katy perry.

. i'm gonna cut papers.

"i'm never changing who i am"

paper

today was all about me and papers and blades.
yes i painstakingly sliced these papers. piece by piece. omg. you can make a dictionary out of this stack.

ok its 2.51 now. and its fanny's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FANNY. thanks for being my friend. hope you'll enjoy tmr with me and bing even though we dont have any interesting plans but i just hope you'll be happy ah. everyday also happy. (: 

oh, and i spilled water all over my portfolio before today's interview. but it wasnt that bad by the time i reached the studio. and and.. today was one of the warmest day i've experienced in sg. maybe cause i was wearing my favourite knitted top. bad choice.

my head feels so light now. i need to slp.  and.. ya. everything will be okay. *self hug*

24th

today, i let myself down. but okay. at least i did well for the past 5 days. URF. and i'm feeling so nervous about tmr's interview. i suck at interviews.

friends

i've been blogging very diligently recently. because i'm feeling a lot. and i feel like i'm learning something everyday. today was good. tiring but good. except for the fact that we ran out of paper to print and that we postponed the binding of books till wed and that my hotcakes that i ordered for breakfast at mc's weren't hot. but i managed to get my portfolio done. i am always doing new portfolios. -.- i have 4 now. and the works inside are all similar. which makes me irritated with myself. oh, this entry was supposed to be for my friends.

A friend once said to me " why would you want to settle down with someone? don't you think your friends are more likely to stay true to you and stay with you for the rest of your life? " and i've been thinking about that. I've quite a number of friends and i feel lucky because i'm not exactly an interesting person to be with. I like to do things like sitting on a patch of grass and listen to music, swim, eat, go to new places and eat, i'm socially awkward and even more so when someone good looking is around. idk why. i guess maybe i just feel like they are too good to want to befriend me. but i've got friends! YAY! some walked away, some drifted, some are still here. and i .. i just wish i have enough time and energy to keep them in my life forever.

my dear friends, if we ever quarrel, lets just say sorry and make up okay. i'm going to the temple tmr and pray that we will always be friends. I REALLY AM.

URGH.

21st Oct;

trying to be productive but apparently not producing anything. damn it.
uh, things that i want to do would be things like..

printing out all the nice pictures and pasting them all over the walls of my room, inside my cupboards and drawer and behind my doors. and also some really pretty looking movie stills. as i'm typing this, there is this taiwan drama showing on tv and that girl wakes up looking so pretty, her fake lashes are still on. this is not possible ok. -.- okay, i am so annoyed. why cant my portfolio layout just help itself out here. and every time i compile my portfolio i realise how lousy it is. my bro is asleep on the sofa behind me right now. and i'm so tired. but i can't sleep yet. this feels like.. rushing for submission. and i'm rambling. i got to stop.

this is work face in the evening, i look 5x worse now:

byebye

Busy to the Maximum

Today was all about being unlucky and embarrassing. and confused (slightly) and curious (very) and scared and nervous (very very). I've told a few friends about how worried i was to see him cause like.. i wasn't ready and i dont know what kind of reaction to give. And today, at the most unexpected place, i saw him. thanks to my brother. and my immediate reaction was to hide under the nearest table and refuse to come out of hiding cause my heart was beating at an incredible rate and i was just like omgwhatomgwhatomgwhatomgwhat. but ok. i managed to calm myself down and just crawl out from my hiding place and just.. act normal. that made my brother feel slightly guilty i guess, cause he kept apologising. but okay. i got distracted from my nervousness after awhile. cause i was playing with this.. headband thing that comes with a magnifying glass and a torch. my nose looks like a potato here. i hope its cause of the magnifying glasses. haha! #stupidthingsido

so after that, i went to town to spend money before i headed down to bayfront to eat sushi alone at a nice windy spot and just watch tourists. And my phone died. bad timing. but thank god i managed to find my girls and we went to gardens by the bay. dinner was at laupasat and i swear none of you can imagine the amount of rain we had to brave before we got to our destination. it was celebration for grace's birthday. i hope she had fun. (: 

oh, i decided that i really genuinely feel happy watching people smile at their phone on the train or anywhere else. i feel happy watching them feel happy. or amused. either way. i like to see that. 

okay. not going to think and think and think. just gonna try try try~

oh and this song... has been on repeat for the past... idk how many days. ya. i like taylor swift. i like how i can relate to her songs and i don't know why people dislike her. 

okay, time for bed. tmr morning is impt for me and sk. 

19th

today, i chopped my hair off. its short and nice now. mum thinks i cut my hair because i'm too upset about the break up. but nah, i cut my hair cause waking up every morning and seeing my curly hair makes me upset. like.. i don't even feel like seeing the world with that kinda hair.

i got a m.a.c red lipstick too. to congratulate myself on my successful haircut. haha. excuses again. but as long as i'm happy, i dont really care if its too red.

and i took a puff today. it tasted.. weird. cooling but still doesn't smell nice.
and i still dont get why some people smoke to feel better. but ok. at least now i know what it feels/tastes like.

today is the happiest i've been since my hair was permed, i think. ya. i think so. (: i'm so glad i decided to cut my hair. yay!

and.. i'm getting replies from companies with regards to design related jobs and i'm so glad. i hope my life turns for the better from here on. thank you. i dont know who to thank but if there is someone who is planning my life.. thank you for letting today be such a good day.

-wildfox

Conversations.

" you keep saying that you are trying and that you can't help feeling this way but the truth is just that you are not used to everything and you are not absolutely willing to let it go. Not just yet. and you will continue feeling like this if you don't stay firm. keep the good things and take the bad ones as a lesson learnt. "

YES. exactly. such a complicated feeling.

" everyone just wants to have fun now. if they are good looking, all the more they feel like they can afford to play cause.. they don't have that much to lose. and if you care too much then you're just going to lose out. things will never be perfect like how you imagined everything to be. this is real. "

YES. Again!

"don't find someone who looks good or is rich. find someone who you feel safe with. someone who will eat ice cream with you. someone who laughs at your lame jokes and someone who walks at your pace. "

i'm taking baby steps and i'm trying to figure everything out. i think i'm getting it bit by bit.

fucking hell.

i dont feel that good today.
i dont know why.
why do i still feel like this.
why do i still do this to myself.
why.

17 oct

my love for lazy oaf will never die. just saying.

today was damn productive. Did all the Loop thingy we wanted to get done, ran in the rain, took alot of photos of cats, saw 3 chameleons ( nvr seen so many in a single day), escaped from crazy pigeons, had bar chor mee and espresso ice cream but the brownie sucks.

other than that.... i got a reply from a design company and i just replied to that email and i'm scared as hell. keeping my fingers crossed and just.. hope that i get the job. ahhhhh.

16th

Today i had my first macaroon in my life. its a chocolate flavoured one from canelle. Sweet, very very sweet but to my liking. (: Also, i managed to call 25 people today which was a great improvement since day 1 of calling. And i met a few nice people on my way to and from work.

oh and i sent out a few emails to apply for design related jobs. *pats back*
pretty proud of myself. ( so i went to buy a top from asos. haha excuses~ but idc~)

AND I CANNOT FORGET THAT TODAY IS MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY.
Happy birthday dearest Kianru. i will write the mushy stuff to you in a letter and not here.


#NTS:
1. Stop giving people the wrong idea, if you got to be mean you got to be mean.
2. Don't look for it. The right one will come by.
3. Work harder, be better.

Again.

i cut my hair this morning.
i cut abit of it everyday.
and thn i complain about it not growing longer.
but i just cant help but keep cutting abit of it everyday.

my share of happiness(?)

Recently, my friends and i have been talking alot about marriage and future kids. About our ideal age to get married and how many kids we wanna have, whether we want a boy or a girl first and what we would do if our husband has an affair. haha. I used to always want to get married at 24 or 25 but now, idk. maybe i dont want to get married.

A friend of my age got engaged recently and in all honesty, i am happy for her. I am happy that she found someone who is able to love her for who she is and .. i'm just happy. maybe slightly envious. its not like i want to get engaged right now but i just feel like.. I'm very far from being that happy. Like..as much as i hate to admit it, i feel like i can only be a certain kind of happy now. And watching happy couples just makes me even more emotional these days cause i know its so damn difficult for everything to work out and for people to love each other so honestly. So seeing them happy just makes me wanna hug them and tell them to please please please just stay together and be always happy.

ah, today is the 15th. and... i kinda lost track of the number of days. which is good.

writings

today i bought a cheap cd; one of the songs in there is a screamo (wth but ok cause it was cheap). had japanese lunch. stayed in the arcade for the longest time in my life. walked into a wedding exhibition show because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. ya, it was quite awkward cause everyone was there to do their wedding stuff and we're just there to waste time. And today i felt the stress i havent been feeling in a long time. i really need to work harder. get my ass to london. Not waste time on this stupid job. wth was i thinking. so... tonight, i will send out my resume again. I can do this.

and i feel like an ahlian for posting this picture of myself but this was what i was doing before i left house today.

"Knock me down I'll keep on moving. It's the art of losing "

thank you pink.

where there is desire
there is gonna be a flame
where there is flame
someone's bound to get burned
but just because it burns
doesn't mean you're gonna die
you've gotta get up and try try try.

13/10/2012

today just started. and i'm being an idiot. again.
haha. ohwell. just need to slap myself awake and move on move on.
its none of my business. and its nth new.

i went batam today. like.. 12/10/2012. yesterday to be exact.
and i was supposed to visit the animal shelter today; 13/10/2012 but liting isnt free. so.. :(
k mon, work and karaoke, tues, work and dinner, wed, loop and prawn mee and hopefully time to squeeze in another activity, thurs, work and dinner w row, fri, work and mass send resume.

go, go, go.

today

i was supposed to go to bed cause i'm really tired and i'm having a bad flu but i want to write something here. about my day. So.. i'm really bad at making calls at my job and that is just making me dislike this job. but i'm glad vic is there so at least its not as bad. I had a sandwich for lunch, with egg and ham and one bite off a cheese sausage. lucky me; i realised upon taking the first bite. i also had a banana. thn i went swimming. today i swam 16 laps, which was good. and i felt like nemo in my orange swimsuit. thn i went to the pasar malam with vic. and bought crackers and malt candy. which are now all sitting in the kitchen, waiting for my recovery so i can gorge myself with heaty food.

today was..alright. and.. i think the sky has been really nice to me. thank you sky. oh. maybe its my fish; sky, watching over me. i'd like to think of it like that, to keep myself happy. ok good night before i die.

good arc. bad arc.

it makes me a bad person too. but i think its time i focus more on protecting myself. 

ah, 

land me in a design related job please. this stupid job is so extremely boring. 

and rmb that fri is for batam. and sat morn is for animal shelter and sun is for grandpa's bday dinner. 

life is kinda.. peaceful right now. i hope i'm not just trying to convince myself that it is by saying that it is. cause i do alot of self convincing. 

other that that.. i guess i should have some pics here. its been some time...

* inhale, exhale * 

k goodnight.

Note to self(s)

bring the hard disk to work tmr.
drink more water.
cut your hair when its long enough.
do that illustration for loop.
pack your room and throw away those old clothes.
do sit ups.
think about your future.

get out of the house now.

The last letter.

I dont know if you will read this. In any case, this will be the last time i'm going to be writing about you. As I write this, I feel angry, upset and stupid; mostly stupid. I guess thats cause as much as i want to move on, a part of me still hope for something. I hope that you'll bring them to me, and tell me that i misunderstood. I hope that you would come and find me and convince me. I hope that I was worth the fight, and you putting your ego aside. I thought that maybe if we were meant to be, life will bring us back together again.

But oh, silly me. It was a game from the start and I dont know what I am. To give and tolerate and to keep wanting to be better and to time and again compromise my own beliefs. I thought that for a relationship to work, we need to give and take. I thought I was not good enough.

I might actually hate you right now. For being such a liar and for putting me through all these. For the past week, I was thinking about the happy times and I was missing your presence and I was crying if I wasn't tired enough to fall asleep at night. But now, I think that it was just me in a relationship I thought existed. The happy times; bullshit.

I just really want to know why. Why must it be me? Why are you like that? Who are you? Are you happy? Were you in love or were you just bored? How long do you intend to fool me? Tell me. but if its not going to be the truth then never mind.

You.. are not worth any of this. Not worth a single bit of my love but ok. I was crazy and stupid. I will learn from this. Do what makes you happy. but if you have to hurt people to be happy then you're a lousy person. You are not like that. You are not. I still wish the best for you. I just don't want to see or hear anything about you. I don't want to be reminded of you. I don't want to feel anything for you anymore.

Now, goodbye forever.

( and for the rest of you who is reading this, don't mention anything about this anymore. Don't ask if i'm ok and how I am doing. Just know that I am stronger now, or at least I am more determined than ever to be happier than before.

wreck

as much as i want you to be happy, can you dont fall in love w someone else too soon?
it will break me to know that i'm so replaceable. sigh, and i really really miss you.

zombie.

i am.

what love does to you.

 Dear me,

no matter how much you miss everything, no matter how much you feel like you cant do this anymore, no matter how upset you get, dont walk back. don't put yourself through this anymore. and don't put him through it anymore.

and think about what you're doing to yourself. be healthy. be happy. try. very hard.

ah,

dear me, be careful not to make that kind of mistakes.