what love does to you.

 Dear me,

no matter how much you miss everything, no matter how much you feel like you cant do this anymore, no matter how upset you get, dont walk back. don't put yourself through this anymore. and don't put him through it anymore.

and think about what you're doing to yourself. be healthy. be happy. try. very hard.

ah,

dear me, be careful not to make that kind of mistakes.

its ok. people always let people down. its just. i thought you were much much better than that. 

brother of mine, its not always a game. 

sigh, sometimes i just wanna give everyone a hug and tell them that things will definitely get better.

 but first, you got to believe that it will.

that feeling is coming back. :/  and this entry is as disorganised as my brain.

frankly

i do want to see you. but i just think i cant.
i cant stand being so close but knowing that everything is different now.

ah, and thn today i was thinking.. if i'm the only one who doesn't drink to drown my sorrows.
i mean like... does it really help you feel better? how about the next day when you wake up.. isn't the sadness still there?

oh, i sent my camera to the camera hospital. 100 bucks to get it fixed and cleaned. not cheap but i am very sentimental. so i'm gonna pay.

:(

i think my konica c35 is broken. 

i will be extremely sad if its really not working anymore cause i love it so much. :( 

the guy at the repair shop is going to tell me to just buy a new one cause it would cost lesser  ( i know he will.) but joy has been with me for such a long time and its done me proud. noooooooooooooo. 

just.. hope that it will miraculously fix itself. just like the previous time. come on you can do it.

better

Today saw me shopping and eating. and travelling.

was doing a video of last night's happiness so we can all soak in it and thn i just realised i got to work tmr and its 2 am now. i hope i can wake on time tmr.

Its like the break up season. and also the .... wedding season. i think its quite scary. cause like.. idk to be happy or sad. but ah well.. i'm pulling through. proud of myself. xinyi xinyi.. you've done well.

Tonight, we are young.

Tonight made it effortlessly into the list of my best nights.

It was just us, candles, sparklers, lanterns, music, mooncake, tea, moon, salad and the night.
Feeling like this is kinda strange. like i havent felt this.. happy for a long while. and it doesnt matter if its not mid autumn yet, cause we dont care. yeh, i felt like we really could burn brighter thn the sun.

One day when i grow old i will think about tonight and i think i will still smile.

things.

Recently I realised how lucky i am; to be blessed with the best people who i know i can count on to get me through tough times. I haven't been that available to them as a friend before, but they were always there. Thank you vic, gwen, syl, fan, bing, charis and my dearest kianru. I hope you all know that i'm really thankful for your presence in my life.

I've been.. keeping myself busy. but not busy enough. which is why i got myself a job. its not even design related but i dont care, i just need a job.

I'm constantly bloated. like i dont even feel like eating anything but i got to eat so that my weight won't fall below 40 and i wont freak my parents out.

I think about you, mostly. about what you're doing and if you're alright. but i try not to think about that too much. cause.. whats the point? right? I thought about writing you something. like one last something. but i decided not to cause .. again, whats the point?

I want to get myself a dog. and i will. I will get a dog if i am not going to London. and my dog will be my best friend. it will be a happy dog. cause i will shower it with love. we will be happy.

I still really hate my hair. :(

I am glad my photos from my film cam turned out so .. unexpected and satisfying to look at.

work is going to be bearable tmr. and i will be busy and i will sit by the water at night and eat a pomelo and play with sparkles and forget everything for awhile.

i know i've been blogging alot lately. and its all sad stuff. but i need to write to feel better.

almost 1 week.

Favourite photo

Nobody will get to see it. cause i want it to be for myself only. its the most beautiful photo i've taken.

on another note, pleasepleasepleaseplease let me go London. :(
New place, New people.. it will be good for me.

things that can hurt me.

Myself. My ability to always find something that would make me feel pain.
today i found these. 1 and a half yrs ago... it made me happy and sad. but i had no more tears. only pain.